Adult joke 4, funny?

How many calories do we burn during sex

The diet literature explains calories burned while jogging, playing tennis or golfing, but similar information concerning sexual activity has, until now, been unavailable.



Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt that the time was right for a new type of sex manual.



EXAMPLES:



1 hr. intensive foreplay Burns Off:

1 slice (large) chocolate cake.



25 min. nonstop lovemaking Burns Off:

2 slices of pizza with cheese %26amp; mushrooms.



53 min. of kissing partner Burns Off:

1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries.



53 minutes kissing yourself Burns Off: Christmas turkey with all the trimmings.



PREPARING THE BEDROOM



Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the lights: 42 (calories burned)



ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS

Hiding the sex manual: 3



Decanting the wine: 4



Without a corkscrew: 268



MAKING THE FIRST MOVE



If you are shy: 15



If you are anxious: 43



If you beg: 100



SEDUCING THE PARTNER



If you are rich (cash): 5



If you are rich (credit card): 15



If you are poor: 200



INITIAL BODY CONTACT



Fumbling: 4



Casually rummaging around: 7



Seriously rummaging around: 42



REMOVING CLOTHES



With partner's consent: 12



Without partner's consent: 187



Removing socks by violently shaking feet: 418



AROUSAL AND STIMULATION



Blowing in partner's ear: 15



Blowing in your own ear: 2,512



DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed



Partner looks better with clothes on: 10



Partner wears corrective underwear: 15



Partner turns out to be of wrong sex: 100



You don't mind: 0.25



Partner wearing elevated socks: 50



DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME



Fumbling around: 4



Desperately trying to put something somewhere: 18



Completely missing: 126



POSITIONS



Italian (man on top; woman on bottom): 26



German (facing each other, but in different beds): 48



English (woman on top; man hiding): 15



American (both on top): 1,243



AFFLICTIONS



Leg cramp: 36



Making believe you don't have a leg cramp: 612



Sneezing (during intercourse): 7



Sneezing (during orgasm): 588



ASSORTED ACCIDENTS



Toupee slips off (if your partner knew you wore one): 5



Toupee slips off (if partner didn't know): 72



Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray): 1



Extinguishing cigarette (in mattress): 17



Extinguishing cigarette (in partner's leg): 133



Calling your partner the wrong name: 50



ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE



Shoes flew off: 15



Expression didn't change: 0.5



Room turned purple: 4



Face turned purple: 78



Earth moved: 30



If Earth actually moved: 1,234,588



Moaning in Turkish: 506



THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX



"I am so grateful": 15



"It must have been something we ate": 15



"Was it good for you?": 15



"Are you finished?": 15



TRYING AGAIN



If woman is ready: 5



If man is not: 563



ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP



After sex: 18



During sex: 546



While parking car: 212



SLEEP



Real: 5



Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74



TAKING A BATH TOGETHER



In a bath: 5



In a sink: 150



In a jacuzzi: 15,269



MAKING THE BED



With partner still in it: 44 (indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).



With you still in it: 97 (suggests extreme withdrawal and profound dissatisfaction)



KEEPING A JOURNAL



Maintaining your own record of sexual activity will be helpful for keeping track of weight loss. You needn't go into detail, just list the activity and the number of calories burned.



A typical entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as follows:



December 1st: Sex with Harold



Explaining how: 12



Suggesting something different: 3



Calming terrified Harold: 40



Encouraging him to at least take off his socks: 8



Foreplay (a little of this; a little of that): 56



Intercourse (standing position): 22



Intercourse (holding Harold up): 10



Intercourse (urging him on): 5



Orgasm: not sure



Thanking Harold: 3



Waving bye-bye: 1



Total time: six minutes (taxi waiting)



Total calories burned: 160Adult joke 4, funny?
ha ha ha , very good...right Im away to start kissing myself, seems to be the best one to lose extra calories !!
I just burnt 600 calories just reading that lot lolAdult joke 4, funny?
ok ur thing is defintely way too long no offense but i aint gonna read the whole thing =D
brilliant!!!Adult joke 4, funny?
lol good one, but a bit long!
quite lengthy but worth it, very good....
haha
You know , I've been looking for this calorie chart ! I am so glad you were able to give us this information. I am sure I'll be able to put it to good use!!
That was too good! Calories USED 30 THANKS!
Nice
really was very funny x

how come i am not skinny though?

boooo lol
Now really who has time to count calories

Besides time flies when you have fun



According to my research that I conducted on my own time, more participants can increase the calories being burned off by 100%
very funny
Boom, bam and a thank you ma'am!
This was a little long but it was worth it. Good chart .
nice 1 lol 10/10
That was funny. Thanks for the laugh. I have been kind of bumming today, but reading that made my day(well night). Thanks so much.
Funny..... kizzy - hope you're feelin ok after that sandwich (you know what I mean) - don't be lickin your fingers :)
I must have burnt off a couple of thousand calories just from lol at that one. Well done.
Actually amusing but not really funny.

--That Cheeky Lad